I Was Ready to Soar, But…
“This is the first time in my life I haven’t been controlled by somebody” Sarah Sutton says. “It’s like I’ve been in a cult, and I’m finally free.”
Five years ago, in a first desperate step, Sarah began researching the words “narcissist” and “sociopath.” She was shocked to discover that her husband checked every single box. She thought back to a previous marriage, as a young woman with another abusive man who checked the same boxes. She remembered the crushing shame and guilt of leaving him, piled on by her church which viewed divorce as sinful. Now she didn’t know if she could face again the shame of leaving—but she had to consider her son Evran.
The decision left Sarah and Evran homeless. To survive even short term, she incurred a large credit card debt. In crisis, she found Joshua Station.
“I was ready to soar. But I was like a baby bird,” Sarah says. “I had no wind beneath my wings at all.”
For the first time, encouraged by staff and fellow residents, Sarah has the experience of choosing and trying things for herself. She enrolled in our partner employment program, Cross Purpose—and graduated this month. A big achievement! It puts her on track for career-level employment. Sarah earned a university degree in nutrition before the worst of her domestic abuse, but low self-esteem always prevented her from using it. There was always someone from the outside, or even a voice on the inside, telling her what she wasn’t worth or couldn’t do.
Sarah frankly expresses that even after 18 months of Joshua Station, she doesn’t feel like she’s soaring. Her intensive employment course exhausted her, while she drove Uber Eats and got 12-year-old Evran to and from school. She ended up in urgent care last fall, where she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that left her completely spent in body and spirit. The financial debt continues to weigh on her. Her credit score was rising, but now has dropped again. The car she needed for work was repossessed.*
Miriam Medina, Sarah and Evran’s Family Advocate at Joshua Station, has walked with Sarah amid these monumental challenges. “I can share everything with her,” says Sarah, “and feel only love, not judgment.” For her part, Miriam has high praise for the many bold steps Sarah has taken, including holding boundaries with relationships that have been damaging to her.
A central relationship very important to Sarah is with God. From childhood she yearned to be close to God, but her early image of God was essentially like her father—a controlling, demanding, demeaning presence keen to remind her of her worthlessness. “Now I see God as a father I never had, but longed for. He loves me unconditionally, rather than just waiting for me to mess up. He would never abuse me or want me to abuse myself. I can talk to him in a personal way, safe in his love.”
Until fairly recently, Sarah could not walk past a mirror without cringing. But after noticing how she talked to herself compared to what she experiences from God, things are shifting. “I can see myself now as beautiful. I’m the daughter of a loving Father! In his love, I am worthy of self-love and self-worth. I’m starting not to be so hard on myself.” Joshua Station’s counseling/therapy program has been a big help to both Sarah and Evran’s journey of healing from their unseen life wounds.
Though they “have their moments” like any family, no one can miss the sweetness between mom and son. Sarah’s overwhelmingly grateful they can share the tenderness, grace, and freedom they’ve found together. Evran’s also ready to soar. “I’m ready to try new things, like learning the banjo if I could find someone to teach me.” Sarah assures him they’ll absolutely make it happen somehow. Evran would also like to explore being a Christian.
Joshua Station helped Sarah “come out into the world,” as she puts it. Starting with Thursday community dinners, she tiptoed into interaction with neighbors. Wellness Wednesdays—a weekly evening of arts and crafts, interpersonal reflection and learning, and uplifting fun—opened chances for healthy friendships. “Even when we have conflict, I’m learning ways we can express ourselves, use good boundaries, and keep on being friends.”
One recent step might seem small, but Sarah lights up brightest when she shares: “I can feel the air on my skin!” On a lovely blue-sky Denver day last week, she stepped out her residence door. “It was breezy weather, which I love. The feeling on my skin was simply amazing. It makes me want to practice being in the moment. I feel so alive, like I’m waking up.”
Sarah, we share in the blessing of your awakening.
