There is an avalanche of hurt between us. Our last conversation hurt so bad we just looked at each other stunned, like heavyweight fighters in our respective corners who couldn’t answer the bell for another round. At that time all I could offer was that I was willing to keep trying for some kind of friendship, and that I would be in touch.

I called his number once, a month later. I was relieved when he didn’t answer.

Calling my friend has been on my to-do list ever since. How many trivial tasks have come and gone on that list in a year and a half?

A couple weeks ago I heard he was gravely ill. It still took me two weeks to call.

I am known by others, and know myself, to be someone gifted and called to be present with hurting people. I have spent much of my time in the past year and a half with people who are broken and abandoned. However, I personally do not know anyone who has been more broken and abandoned than my friend. He told me today that what hurt the worst was me abandoning him.

I am profoundly ashamed.

This might be a case of TMI… too much personal info for something on the internet, but trust me, I’m leaving out plenty of details. As you can see, I’ve got a whole lot of personal work to do behind closed doors. What I’d like to do in this public space is explore what, if anything, the good news of Jesus has to do with shame.

I’ve been reading and reflecting on this for awhile, especially in light of what happened on a cross two thousand years ago. Now, in light of my conversation a couple hours ago. After absorbing a lifetime of evangelical Bible teaching, I think I understand what Jesus has done for my guilt. The theory of “substitutionary atonement” has been painstakingly explained by theologians and creatively illustrated by preachers. On the cross, God the Son paid the penalty for my sins so that I could be forgiven by God the Father. Fortunately in the case at hand, I am also forgiven by my friend, though there still seems to be plenty of fallout from my sins. But I have gratefully accepted forgiveness, and the guilt is gone.

Shame remains.

I’ll post more on this topic another day. For now, I’m going on a long walk.