Granted, I live in this way not for the sake of being presentable to others, but for the sake of maintaining my own sanity. Yet, this approach can make me feel more insane. Too much thought, too much clarity, and too much authenticity promotes absurd reflection. The kind of reflection that forces you to see yourself! Lately all I am left with is the statement, “Damn, I’m f**ked up!”

So here I go again with another attempt to recognize how my five senses shape my attitudes. More importantly, how they serve to shape my love toward Christ and others, or lack of love in this case.

In this post I am ashamed to talk about the one sense that for some reason I have far less control over than any other. Above all the other senses, this one makes me feel the most helpless. This is the sense of smell. Unfortunately as a result, this sense seems to have an immediate interaction with my attitude and I feel like this will never change. The only thing I can possibly do, having no control over it, is merely acknowledge it.

Thus, several times within the last week I caught myself recognizing body odor on others. While body odor is normal for many, it is far more noticeable in those who are homeless, addicted, mentally challenged, poor, racialized, criminally inclined, and basically, live life on the streets at some level or another.

The other day I posted God is Love, and failed to mentioned one of the things that will not leave me be. That very same day, as I waited to take my three year-old son to the restroom, one of the Dry Bones kids was using the restroom just before we used it. As he left and my son and I entered, the scent of human body odor filled my nostrils without any warning. My first series of thoughts was not compassionate. Honestly, I was taken back by the smell. My attitude of disgust sunk in. I thought to myself, “I love these kids, but geez…take a shower!”

Today, I am certain that I will never know of the countless moments this similar kind of behavior on my part has been the case for me. I know that I've done it before, and probably will do it again. Afterward, I attempted to minimize my behavior by recounting the ways I had served on the streets with Dry Bones for many months, how I let a homeless kid stay at my section 8 house for some time, how I currently work as an H.I.V. tester and counselor, and of course how I am on staff at Joshua Station, a transitional housing facility for homeless families. My resume list went on and on to reassure me that I was indeed a good Christian.

However, while all these tried to make me feel better and chipped away at my guilt, I now choose to give myself permission to reflect on how my senses pitifully shape my attitude. I shamefully admit how weak I am in this area and make no excuses for it.

Today I choose to wonder about all the lost opportunities of compassion that passed me by, and all the missed experiences of grace I could have represented for Christ to others. I am not sure about any of that, nor much at all today to be honest. However, I am certain of one thing. Today, authenticity and vulnerability seem like more of a curse, than a compliment.

I know I am working on all of this, but truth be told that as much as this hurts for me, it is bringing much healing in my life. Healing I could not see myself without.

So for now, a public statement is in order: For all those I have discounted and shunned, please forgive me. For all those whom have shunned me on similar grounds, I forgive you.

Until next time, keep thinking about how your five senses shape the way you love others, or miss out on doing so. I know that if I am to be like Christ, I have no choice but to let him deal with my five senses, because obviously I alone cannot.