We are slowly (often too slowly) learning that we need to give our children permission to hold us accountable. We’re to blame for many parts of their stories, and we want to own up to that. Something our parents never did for us, and something we want them to someday learn to do themselves. A few posts ago there was a beautiful, painful reflection on loss that we printed out for discussion. We sat down and talked with our kids about it. This was a way to introduce the idea of a more intimate, open, and safe environment in our family to be able to talk about things. The conversation was a little awkward, but it was a good beginning.

As the story we read together revolved around a little boy who had been abandoned, we tried to see if our kids recognized their abandonment issues too. Some of their issues they can already see, and others they are not ready to grasp yet, and that’s ok. Three out of our five children come from previous relationships. Divorce, separation, and loss are a daily part of their lives. It's something we can tell they struggle with, even though they struggle in different ways.

The other two kids we've had together. Fortunately for them, they still have both parents. However, as they watch their siblings come and go and speak of other parents, they can’t quite figure out what to make of it. My son has said to me before, “Where is my other dad?” Knowing that he is simply trying to figure it all out, and express that he always misses his sisters when they leave, I mournfullly attempted to explain.

We constantly hear in faith conversations the parental terminology used toward God, which is biblical. This has always plagued my view of Him, and I am certain it has plagued the view of Him for others. I didn’t get to choose my parents, and neither did my children. I often associate my parental issues of abandonment with God, and I know my children will do the same. Which then makes me think; I didn’t get to choose my spiritual parent either, and neither do they. I truly desire to paint a powerfully present picture of God for them. An image that reveals He is always there, always felt, and always known, but always He is not. Yet, paradoxically, He is.

Though I am trying to speak about God, I want to make clear that the healing and love I have received from God cannot be explained. The supernatural is continually transforming me. I know God to be real and have felt His deliverance from death. God has not hardly ever changed anything external for me, but has chosen to comfort and suffer with me.

We want our kids to be able to see this sort of pattern of God's love in their lives, and in the lives of others. We want them to be able to talk about it, and as a result truly know God is with them, with us: Emmanuel. We don’t want them to use false images and misunderstood dreams of a God who promises healing, when often at times all He will give them is what He gave Paul:

“But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” - 2nd Corinthians 12:9

That night I read an old post about my family I wrote a year ago. You are invited to read it here. It was written poorly, but came from a place of complete honesty, pain, and confusion. We’re still working on all of this. None of it is easy, we are not very good at it, but we’re trying.

Your prayers for our family are welcome.